I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
