perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
