____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
