Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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