Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
