Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
