found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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