We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
