I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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