fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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