Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
