Apparently you make a good broom.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
