last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
