I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
