and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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