I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
