as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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