i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Randomize
