This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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