SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
