I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
This is the high leading the old right now
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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