so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
