Swine flu. Run for my life!
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
