I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
