why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
