Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize