This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
