The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize