I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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