Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Randomize
