I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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