I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
