I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
