All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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