We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
