these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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