I wanna bring you to show and tell
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
where are you?
Hypothermia
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
