Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
