I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
