i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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