My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
