call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
