I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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