yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
