so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
