I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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