I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
