Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize