ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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