I haven't been this sober since birth.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
