nut hugger
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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