You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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