i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
