do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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