just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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