You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
