trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
The beer is more important than you right now.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
