I think I won the penis lottery.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
