All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
