I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
