You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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