you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize